Cold
by LadyStardust3
Summary: Um. Very sad, Kai is having problems with the way he is. He can only think of one way out. Yaoi K/T
1. Default Chapter

**Now you call me cold**

**Cold Heartless Kai**

**And you are right**

**But I can't say I'm sorry**

**I am cold**

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

You're screaming at me now.  I turn away and start to walk.  I don't have to listen to this.

"No way buddy, not this time.  You'll listen to what I have to say."

"Fine then I will."  Perhaps I want to hear it.  

"You Kai are the most selfish, arrogant, mucked up bastard I have ever met.  I don't know how you bear to look in a mirror in the morning.  Would one smile be too much?"

"Yes Tyson, yes it would."

Rei lays his hand on your shoulder.  "Leave it Tyson."

But you shrug him off and shake your fist at me.

"I hate you.  You're just cold.  Cold-hearted and careless."

**You tell the truth **

**But I have my reasons**

**I don't just hate people**

**For the sake of it.******

**Everything I've done **

**Is your fault**

**It's all your fault**

**I am cold.**

I walk away as fast as fast as I can without running and showing you how much I really cared.

One smile really would be too much.  You think I'm cold-hearted.  I'll never be able to show you how warm I really am.

You think I don't care.  I will end this, now.

**Wednesday in the coliseum**

**When you called out my move**

**I took your advice and **

**Won us the battle.******

Dranzer was tall above me.  Johnny's Salamulyon was coiled about his neck.  Dranzer couldn't move, I was stuck with nowhere to go.

"Kai's in trouble," the voice of Jazz screamed over the noise of the crowd.  This whole crowd that lined the walls of Robert's coliseum would be there to witness my defeat.

Johnny's fists were clenched, his whole body tense as he watched the cramping moves of Salamulyon. I stood stationary with my hands flung out to the sides and my mouth open, gazing at the spectacle.

I was caught, nowhere to go and noting to do.  Soon my beyblade will stop spinning, Dranzer will disintegrate and it will all be over.  Over for all of us.

I didn't care about them, I only cared for myself, Dranzer and

You.

But you were there for me Tyson.  You stood up all of a sudden and called to me.  "Up Kai, move up.  It's the same thing that happened to Dragoon remember?"

I knew you were right but I was reluctant to take your advice.  I didn't want you to see what a powerful hold you have over me.  But I had no choice, so I ordered Dranzer to fly.

He flew, shaking Salamulyon off, then he attacked.  Through the dust even Jazz could see nothing for several moments.  But I knew you'd cracked it for me Tyson.

"And It's Kai!"

Johnny's beyblade was on its side.  It was over.

**Victory for the Bladebreakers**

**But I couldn't say **

**Thankyou**** Tyson**

**I am just so cold.**

I picked up my still spinning blade and turned away.  You came up to meet me, smiling but what did I say?

"Don't you ever help me again."

That's not what I meant.  I meant 'thankyou Tyson.'  I meant 'thankyou for everything.'

**Tyson can't you understand**

**What you are doing to me?**

**Tearing me apart**

**Making my wounds **

**Deeper.******

**I made that move, I made it**

**For you.******

**If it were anyone else I would **

**Have lost and made the team**

**Face the shame.**

**No victory for Kai**

**No victory for the team**

**That's how cold**

**I am.**

I walked away my own words ringing in my ears.  "Don't you ever help me again."  I had branded my own heart.  Cold blooded and uncaring.

I didn't see you again for two days.

**Remember when we met?**

**I was cold then**

**Already cold**

**But it was your fault **

**That I didn't change**

**How could I change for you?**

**You didn't want me**

**You told me so with your eyes**

**'Too cold for me.'******

You challenged me.  I took your challenge.  I detected a strength in you beyond all that I had ever encountered.  When we first met I hated you, just like I hated the rest of the world.  I was bitter.  But I wasn't always like that, I just had a sort of society problem.  Nobody was worth my opinion, I was above everybody.

Except you.

I had met my match and I hated you fiercer than I had ever hated before.  Funny what hand fate deals us.  Why did I join the Bladebreakers?  I did it for you.  I was intrigued beyond anything I had ever felt.  It seemed that I couldn't let you leave unless I left with you.

Why do you still ask why I am with you?  Why can't you see?

**Oh, now, Tyson,**

**How cold am I now?**

It's dark out.  There are nightjars in the sky.  I've been walking for hours.  And I am sorry.

So sorry that I cannot live without saying it.  But I could never say it.  So I cannot live.

It is freezing cold but I don't feel it my body, soul and mind are frozen.  But you knew that already didn't you.  Didn't you? 

I'm not wearing my scarf or my armbands or anything that makes me Kai.  I was going to leave all that behind, shed it like a skin and then die in my purity.

I get to your door and I sit myself upon the step.  Russia is cold, Russia is colder than me.  I could change my plans, go inside and confess everything to you.  But I can't, there are still barriers holding me back.  

I am still Kai.

In my pocket I have a present.  A gift for the world.  My 'apologies' present.  I slide my hand in and around it.  Pulling my hand out again I notice that it is red and dripping.  My hot red blooded fingers uncurl.  The razor blade shines innocently in a pool of blood.

All I can do is sit and stare.  My pain is over, my pain was what I felt when I fought with you Tyson.  This is nothing compared to that, this is relief.  You told me you hate me.  This is relief.

I take my uninjured hand and pick up the blade between thumb and forefinger, its death dealing ridges pointing up and down.

I don't feel a thing as I drag it across my left wrist.  I am numb to everything, the chill, the world, the pain.

Even my shock is numb as I sit and watch the blood pump out over my arm and onto my trousers.  I am beyond it all now.

"Kai? Kai! Oh Jesus Christ Kai what have you done to yourself."

It is you.  I can see.  I can see you, just about, through an increasing haze.

You rip off your shirt and wrap it around my wrist trying to stop the bleeding.

"Call the hospital.  Now!"  you call over my shoulder.

My shaking fingers drop the blade and it hits the ground with a sharp call of metal.

"Why did you do this.  Why!  Why here?  Now?"

I can't see so well.

"You hate me.  I don't hate you.  I can't go on like this.  I can't be me."

**You're the reason I did**

**This to myself**

**You're my reason for**

**Everything**

It's hard to talk now but I have to tell you.

On your knees beside me trying to stall my blood.  My heart still beats for you.

I bring my hand up to touch your arm but I cannot.  I am falling backwards.  Too weak to hold myself up.

You hold me.  Still pressing my wrist but my head rests upon your chest.  It is all in a haze now.  

"You called me cold.  You ask me why Tyson.  You ask me why."

**If I died in your arms**

**Tyson**

**How cold would I be then?**

**How cold?**

Your lips are on my forehead.  So gentle, even caring.  You care about me.  Even now, you still care about me.  I feel dizzy but you are my support.  If only I hadn't.  If only I wasn't me.  If only I could have broken my curse of indifference.

But is it too late?

I feel myself slipping away… 


	2. Chapter 2

Nat: First of all Thankyou very much for the lovely reviews.  Kai isn't dead!! The saga continues………

Kai: Shut up and get on with it.

Nat: Yes sir -_-'  Here I place my disclaimer:  Beyblade isn't mine yada yada yada.  But this lil' story so totally is!  So enjoy everybody!

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**It's freezing here**

**In this room**

**And silent.******

"I'm back Kai.  I have been away but only for a little while.  Rei, Kenny and Max wanted to find out what was happening.  But I didn't say too much.  This is kinda between us you know?"

It's real hard for me.  Sitting here, seeing you like this.  You were always so strong, emotionless.  It is unbelievable what you did.  I'm not flattered that you did something like that for me.  All you had to do was say, and I would have been yours Kai.

For always.

**Doctors have gone**

**They left me alone**

**With you.******

I'm not sure about Russian hospitals.  They aren't watching you right and there should be heating.  I'm the one dying of cold in here!  It's almost as cold inside as it is out.  Russia is a pretty lame country.  But what does that matter, the same thing would have happened wherever we were.  At least you're alive.

**I wonder if you**

**Can hear me?**

**Kai?**** Can you hear me?**

**I'm here for you**

**I'm yours like I have**

**Always been.******

**Always.******

"We have plenty of time.  All the time in the world.  Even if it means the team has to pull out of the World Championships.  I'd do that for you, even beyblading isn't as important as you.  Not to me.  And you know how important beyblading is to me."

I look down at you but you haven't flinched.  Still static, almost lifeless.  But I know you aren't dead, I came in time.  I will always be there for you.

"Can you hear me?  What I'm saying?  I'm saying that I love you more than anything.  You are the only thing that matters now.  If you could hear me, you'd say wouldn't you?  You can say right?  I mean you are still with us."

I can't really tell.  You show no sign of life.  I'll stay here forever if I have to.  But comas don't last forever.  You either come out alive or dead.  That's what Rei said.  I don't care what he thinks.  You will do this for me, pull through I mean.

You will.

**How could you not **

**Have known**

**All along**

**How much I love you?**

I thought I could show you at first.  But all you did was shrug me off.  I decided that you didn't care and gave up trying.  The way you just looked away or made some sarcastic comment.  I was so certain you didn't give a damn about anything.  

"What kind of way was this to prove to me you care?  Why couldn't you just I don't know send me a bunch of flowers or something.  I know that was lame but it would have been better.  Anything would have been better than this."

**I still love you.**

**Even after what you did.**

**When I saw you **

**Like that**

**It broke my heart.**

I had walked round the corner, headed back to my apartment.  Kenny had already returned.  He must have just missed you.  Lucky I guess.  That argument I had with you plagued my mind.  It was a horrid feeling.  Every word I said to you rang over and over again.  It wouldn't go away.  Is that how you felt?

But then I saw you lying there covered in blood.  It was terrible.  I panicked I didn't know what to do.  It was like you had ripped my heart out.  It was me lying there.  I did the right thing and all.  That first aid stuff.  But that was just instinct, my mind was on what you must have been feeling.  My mind was on the loss that I would have to cope with if you died.  All I thought about was that, selfish or not.  All I thought about was how much I love you and couldn't let you die from one stupid action.  You would break my heart.

**You were good at that.**

**Everything you said**

**Broke my heart.******

**I hadn't lied**

**I did hate you**

**But only because**

**I could never love you quite**

**The way I wanted to.**

**Hiding away my feelings,**

**Every moment torture.******

That argument was one sided and I am sorry.  I didn't mean to lose it like that.  But you were always so infuriating.  The rest of the team just put up with you but they had no reason not to.  They aren't in love with you or anything.  That's just me.  'Just Tyson, he was always a bit of a nutter.'  But you can see it can't you.  I never knew you felt the same way.  How could I?  That would just be impossible, the way you treated me.  Nobody treats somebody they like, like that.  But you did.  I made no allowances, I am so sorry Kai.

**Can you hear me?**

**Can you feel my fingers**

**Round yours?******

**Or my hand on your chest?******

**Or my eyes gazing**

**Where you lie so withdrawn?**

I think that maybe if I touch you, it might bring you back from wherever you are.  I give it a go.  You are cold Kai.  But not the way I meant back then.  I am cold too.  They really should get heating here.  You look so perfect lying there, semi darkness does nothing to stop me seeing you.  Although your face is so pale.  Loss of blood I guess but then what do I know about this kind of stuff.  You aren't with me, that's all I know.  Your mind is miles away, but perhaps I'm in your thoughts/dreams whatever you get when your in a coma.  I don't know.  

I don't know.

**Pale but not lifeless.******

**You're still with me**

**Just as I'll always **

**Be with you.**

"Please come back Kai.  I wouldn't go on without you.  I'd give up everything.  I'll become a shadow of what I am now.  But I'll never do what you did.  That hurts people, you can't see how much of a hole you've made in me.  But if you could you'd understand why I'll never do anything like what you did.  Never."

**It isn't you that**

**Is cold.******

**Or I.******

**It is the world.**

**The way the world**

**Works today.******

**Leaving you so apart**

**In a deep coma.******

**Detached.******

**That is what is cold**

**Not you**

**Nor I**

**This is what is cold.**

My thoughts are abnormal.  I never feel like this, I've never had any reason to resent the world like I do now.  I've never had any reason to hate the way things are.  I'm not happy any more.

And I won't ever be.  Unless you come back Kai.

"Come back Kai.  I need you.  I love you.  Always."


	3. Chapter 3

Nat: Once again you are all a bunch of lovely people.  I think I'm gonna do this fic to death, hopefully 2 more parts after this.  But there we go.

Um yes, this is part 3.  Once again in Kai's POV (anyone detect a pattern?)

Yami Nat:  Oh yeah, and none of these characters belong to Nat or me.

Nat:  Too right, hey you're back!  (my yami wasn't speaking to me for months)

Y.N: Yup back with a bang, and this story had better match to my expectations so get typing….

Nat:  I'm right on it!

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**Tyson said all that**

**I heard every word**

**But I don't want him to know**

**Just yet that **

**I am here.**

**He's holding my hand**

**He's sitting so close**

**Lifting the chill **

**That I possess.**

The first thing I notice is how cold it is.  I felt that before I opened my eyes.  I took a while, I wasn't sure how I'd react to whatever situation I was in.  But I can't be dead, everything is too real.  Somebody is holding my hand, their fingers are cold, just like my surroundings.  Russia, I must still be here.  Hell would never be this cold and if I am dead, then that is where I would be.  

I have caused so much trouble, for everybody.  Especially the one that I love so much.  

I'm lying down on a mattress that is hard.  There is no sound but somebody is with me, the one who was talking to me, telling me they are sorry and that they love me.  And want me back.  Actually _want me back._

But I know that it is you who are with me Tyson.  Nobody else would care this much, or say such words.  

I run my thumb down one of your fingers just to let you know that I am here.  A tender movement, so alien to me but natural now.  

"Kai?"  Your voice is strained, tense.  Unlike you, this has altered the both of us.  Hopefully for the better.

I flicker open one eye a little.  And get a look at you from through my eyelashes.  It is a dark room but I can see you quite well, since you are so close.  I wasn't anywhere, while I was asleep.  Just sort of oblivious.  It was like I only passed out a minute ago but it couldn't have been, I'm not outside in your arms any longer.

"T-Tyson."  I can't believe my voice is shaking, it is either so very cold or just the way I feel.  Probably a combination of both.

"You're okay.  I can't believe it."

"You said you wanted me to be back, you should believe it."

You throw your leg up onto the bed so you can sit closer.  "Oh Kai," you say so softly.  "I was so worried, terrified actually."

You're shaking and it isn't surprising, even your hand on mine seems below normal temperature.

"Tyson, you're freezing."

"I'm f-fine," you shiver looking down at me.  "It i-isn't important."

But you know, you are all that is important to me now.  If you don't know then I'll show you.  I'll show you for as long as we are together and hopefully that time will not be too short.

**Now we will **

**Forget everything**

**Just for a while**

**My past is gone**

**I will make **

**The effort to change**

**As long as you**

**Stay.**

**Stay with me**

**And never leave.**

"Come here Tyson."

"What do you mean," you ask, not shivering so much now you are thinking over what I mean.

"I mean," I feel myself going a little red and suppress a laugh. I never blush, not emotionless Kai.  I really have changed.  "It's warmer under this sheet, although I might sue this hospital for negligence.  This is no way to treat a patient who…"

I tail off merely because you are now beside me.  So close.  

Tentatively I stroke my good arm round your back and pull you against me.  You really are cold.

"How long were you sat there?"

You move to look at your watch.  "Four hours."

"Four hours in the freezing cold, just waiting."  I say wistfully, wishing I hadn't put you through any of this.

"Hoping," you added and wrap your arms around me, snuggling up under my chin trying to get warmer.  I stroke your back idly and stare up at the hint of the ceiling visible through the semi darkness.  

"I didn't mean it Tyson, any of it.  I promise."

You whisper against my chest.  "I know now Kai.  I'll never drive you to this again."

**I hope you are**

**Listening to **

**What I have to say.**

**I hope you can forgive me.**

"What did you think?"

"What do you mean?"  You reply in a murmur.

"When you saw me after what happened, what I did?"

"I was terrified Kai.  I thought I might lose you.  I kind of wondered what made you do it.  But I already felt terrible about what I had said.  You know I don't hate you, in fact nothing could be further from the truth."

"I know now.  You have to understand I didn't want to hurt you, I thought that you didn't care.  I thought it would be my own way out, I didn't mean to hurt you Tyson.  I'd never do that."

"But you always did.  All the time, everything you said.  That was why I said I hated you, in a strange sort of way I did."

"I never knew you cared.  It is strange how love made us bitter.  It needn't have done."

"No," you sigh snuggling up closer to me.

I rest my bad arm on your waist and you look down, stroking my bandage and clasping your hand round mine.

"Does it hurt?"

"Not anymore," I lie but you make the pain less noticeable.  

You sit up a little on your elbow and look down at me with your deep misty blue eyes.  I notice, not for the first time, how your hair falls into your eyes.  I reach up with my good arm and stroke it away but it falls back quite as fast.

You're smiling at me, warmly the silver through the window highlighting little areas of your face.

I suddenly have a thought and slip my arm round to the ponytail at the back of your head.  I loop my fingers into the band and take it off gently.  As the band falls down my wrist, your slate coloured hair falls out over your shoulders.  I can't resist but stroke down it and you lean into my touch like a friendly cat.  

You move down up to me and slip one arm round my waist, pulling me closer.  It hurts a little, I find myself wincing involuntarily.  I have hardly moved for two days and my arm dragged a little where it lay on your side.  

"Kai," you whisper to me from where your lips are on my cheek.  "I don't want to hurt you."

"It's OK," I reply.  "It's not too bad.  I'll be fine."

You push my arm back softly on my side with your fingers still wrapped round mine.  In the process you move tighter against me.  I keep my good arm round your back, still stroking your long hair.  Our foreheads are against each other, and your lips are only an inch from meeting mine.  

"Tyson I promise you.  Never again will I be so stupid, never.  I know that you feel for me and I'd never have done it if only I…"

"Shh," you interrupt.  "I know you said already and I believe you."

"You are so beautiful Tyson."

"Me!"  You blush a little, I can see it.  "I'm not beautiful.  I'm just Tyson, I'm…"

"Beautiful."  I tell you again for I know I am right.

"I'm nothing compared to you."

Now it's my turn to blush.

You laugh a little and smile.  I move up despite the ache of my body and lay you back against the Russian excuse for a pillow.  

**You are warming me**

**With such intensity**

**Not just my body**

**But my soul**

**My all is you**

**You are my everything.**

That moment when I kissed you I forgot everything except what it felt like to have your lips on mine, softly.  I think it was the moment that summed up everything I had ever hoped for, and I felt at last as if you had forgiven me.  I knew that I would have to make a few changes to the way I acted but that would come with time.  It would mean going against everything I had believed.  But your lips taught me new beliefs, a new scripture.  

We stayed together for a few hours, you fell asleep in my arms.  I did not wake you until I heard footsteps in that dark corridor outside.  

And so you headed back.  

I was allowed out of hospital that next morning, with orders to 'take it easy.'  And so that was what I planned.  But there was more, I wouldn't push the team too hard, I'd leave that to Kenny.  

I convalesced for a short time, and you were my comfort whilst I battled with my soul.

As for the road now…. Neither of us know.  We'll take it step by step. Roads never end.

** But I'll never leave you again**

**I promise you**

**I will never again**

**Be so cold.**


End file.
